Wow.

This sure isn't getting any easier. Tonight we said goodbye to Mrs. San's three pairs of grandparents, a few uncles and aunts, a cousin, the Mrs' sister and her boyfriend, and probably hardest so far, her two kids. There's just so much change that's going to happen without us. Cailynn will be five when we get back. She's just a little girl now, a "pretty little princess," as she's justifiably fond of calling herself. All of that's over for us. Will I be able to pick her up? Will she be a different person, turn into a tomboy (unlikely)? Soren will be ten. Almost a young man. I still haven't been to see him play baseball or football. Bad uncle. What influence can I have on the other side of the world during these formative years? My sister's child, Jayden, will be three. Will I be a stranger to him? I can't bear the thought of having to reintroduce myself to him. Jesus.

Not quite as bad, but still ridiculously hard are the now daily goodbyes to friends and, I guess, older family. Friday I hugged my dad and stepmom for the last time. By the time we get back, I hope they've made the move out to the country that they've been talking about for a long time. They definitely deserve it and I'm excited to tour their new home on horseback. We had a kegger at my mom's last night. It was great to see everyone, but there was way too much whiskey. Thank you everyone for coming. I will miss you all and for those of you who got an unfairly slurred goodbye, here's a real one: Farewell.

Tonight as Soren and Cailynn were walking out the door, I caught a last bit of innocence and had to laugh. Mrs. San had hidden in the kitchen to hide her bawling, I was trying very hard to prevent myself from doing the same and I heard Soren ask his mom, "What was with all the hugging tonight?" Ah, the perspective of a child. And then suddenly I glimpsed the deeper meaning in Soren's question. Most of my fears and concerns about leaving are selfish, that is, from my own scared-shitless perspective. It's going to be terrible being separated from everyone for so long, but in the end, we live our own lives and while the next few months are going to be hard, we will all get used to this. Anyway, Skype's the shit. And before we know it, these two years will be behind us. And after all, how can I expect to be the uncle, father, husband, son, brother, friend, person that I want to be unless I do this?

Breathe.